The Bro's Code

An Urban Legend within a movie about an Urban Legend...

I’d keep going but my brain is already starting to hurt.  Just came across this little tidbit where apparently there has been a long standing rumor that someone exposes themselves at the end of the Michael J. Fox classic “Teen Wolf”.  Well after doing some extensive research I was able to dig up the actual footage to put this to rest once and for all.

I wouldn’t say the person is exposing themselves so much as they are getting caught with their fly down.  Either way, it’s pretty damn funny and brings to mind other film flubs like the scene in “Three Men and a Baby” where there is a full sized cardboard cutout of Ted Danson behind a window in one of the scenes.

Anybody else have any great movie goofs they can remind us of?

The Teen Wolf expose’ can be seen below…

The Bro's Code Guide to: Dropped Call Etiquette

It’s a common situation: you’re on your cel phone talking to a friend.  Maybe you’re driving (wearing your headset of course, yeah right) and going through a dead area, or maybe you’re in your office where you get semi-okay reception some of the time.  Maybe your network just plain sucks.  Whatever the case may be, we’ve all been in the situation where we get disconnected.

In some cases I have gone on talking for minutes before I realized the other person was no longer on the line.  I know it’s happened the other way as well.  Of course, once you DO realize that the call has been dropped is when the real trouble begins.  You start calling your friend, just as he/she is calling you back as well.  And what happens?

Straight to voicemail.

“Okay” you say, “this time I’m going to wait for them to call me, that way they get though.”  And so a few seconds go by.  And then another few seconds.  Still no call back.

“Ah, he/she must be waiting for ME to call back!” is what you think, and it’s a pretty valid assumption, and so you dial their number again.  Only it just so happens that they came to the same conclusion, waited the same amount of time, and decided to call back at the exact same instant as you. Resulting in…

Straight to voicemail.

This is not an exagerration.  This has happened to me multiple times, and I KNOW it has happened to you guys as well.  So I am here today to put an end to this silliness with one dropped call guideline to rule them all…

Whoever it is that made the initial call is the person who’s job it is to call back.  Period.  If I called you and we get disconnected, just hang up and wait.  It’s now on ME to call you back.  End of story.

Can we all agree on this?  Does this seem like something that can work?  Whoever called first is the one who calls back in the event of a dropped call?

Are you with me people???

So THAT'S how it is in that Olympic family...

Hey everyone,

Was watching Matt Lauer this morning with Mrs. Bro and nearly spit out my coffee while watching this interview with Bob Bowman, coach of Uber-Champion swimmer Michael Phelps.  It starts out innocently enough, but once they start asking him about what it was that made him think that Phelps had what it took at an early age, as well as the more “personal” side of their relationship, well that’s when it just starts to have gay porn implications all over it.

Enjoy!

As promised... Mailbag!

Dear Bro,

What’s the Bro’s Code opinion on “Mancations”?  In case you haven’t heard the term, it’s when a group of guys go away together with no wives or kids.  Do you think they are acceptable and fun or too bromantic?

Curious of the Bro’s stance on this.

Sincerely,

-Simon

I’m really not familiar with the term “Mancation”, but let me make sure I have this straight.  It’s a vacation (and by definition a vacation is an out of town non-work experience lasting a minimum of 3 days and a maximum of 16 days) where you get to hang out with some if not all of your guy friends.  There are no significant others.  There are no children.  There are no ties to the world you have left behind.  My guess is that there is a lot of bar activity (in the form of drinking), sports, potential for gambling (be it a nearby casino, in-house poker, or make up your own while sitting on the couch watching sports), great food (be it fine dining or a fired up grill), some kind of night activity (either more gambling, or entertainment of some sort, most likely more bar visits), and just basically the all around freedom to do whatever the hell you want, because even if the guys you’re with don’t want to do that, they’re going to let you go do whatever the hell you want and not give you shit for not spending more “quality” time with the group.  I think that about sums up the Mancation experience, in my opinion anyway.

I’m sorry Simon, was this a rhetorical question?

.

Is there something you want The Bro to discuss?  Email him here!

See what happens when you start having actual work to do?

You end up leaving some sappy Lion reuniting with the guys who raised him to the theme from The Bodyguard as the last item on your personal blog.  I’m assuming whatever few readers I had for this site are permanently gone now.

But hey, if Bill Simmons (you know, the guy I steal ideas from) can take 10 weeks off to write a book, I think I’m allowed a few days to get my paying gig done, right?

You can look forward to a Mailbag later today, along with some additional content this week.  Thanks for staying with me.  Solidarity!

A Bro's Code Experiment

So I received this in my email inbox today:

DEAR FRIEND,

I AM  THE MANAGER OF BILL AND EXCHANGE AT THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF THE BANK OF AFRICA. I SAW YOUR CONTACTS IN INTERNET SEARCH,AFTER MUCH CONSIDERATION I DECIDED TO WRITE YOU SINCE I CANNOT BE ABLE TO SEE YOU FACE TO FACE AT FIRST.

I WILL LIKE YOU TO TAKE YOUR TIME TO READ THIS MAIL CAREFULLY. I DID NOT MEAN TO EMBARRASS YOU WITH MY BUSINESS PROPOSAL BUT I SERIOUSLY NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE. PLEASE THIS IS A CONFIDENTIAL MATTER AND IT REQUIRES URGENCY.

IN MY DEPARTMENT WE DISCOVERED AN ABANDONED SUM OF U.S$12.5M DOLLARS (TWELVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND USD) IN AN ACCOUNT THAT BELONGS TO ONE OF OUR FOREIGN CUSTOMER WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY ON MONDAY,31 JULY,2000, IN A PLANE CRASH , SINCE WE GOT INFORMATION ABOUT HIS DEATH, WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING HIS OR HER NEXT OF KIN TO COME OVER AND CLAIM HIS MONEY BECAUSE WE CAN NOT RELEASE IT UNLESS SOME BODY APPLIES FOR IT AS NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED AS INDICATED IN OUR BANKING GUIDELINES AND LAWS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE LEARNT THAT HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN DIED ALONG SIDE WITH HIM AT THE PLANE CRASH LEAVING NOBODY BEHIND FOR THE CLAIM.

IT IS THEREFORE UPON THIS DISCOVERY, I NOW DECIDED TO MAKE THIS BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO YOU AND RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED FOR SAFETY AND SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT SINCE NOBODY IS COMING FOR IT AND I DON’T WANT THIS MONEY TO GO INTO THE BANK TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED BILL. THE BANKING LAW AND GUIDINE HERE STIPULATES THAT IF SUCH MONEY REMAINED UNCLAIMED AFTER EIGHT YEARS AND SIX MONTHS, THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED INTO THE BANK AS UNCLAIMED BILL I THEREFORE AGREE THAT 40% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS FOREIGNER PARTNER, IN RESPECT TO THE PROVISION OF A FOREIGN ACCOUNT, 10% WILL BE SET ASIDE FOR EXPENSES INCURRED DURING THE BUSINESS AND 50% WOULD BE FOR ME. THERE AFTER I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY FOR DISBURSEMENT ACCORDING TO THE PERCENTAGES INDICATED.

THEREFORE, TO ENABLE THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOU AS ARRANGED, YOU MUST APPLY FIRST TO THE BANK AS RELATION OR NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED INDICATING YOUR BANK NAME, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR EASY AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION AND LOCATION WHERE IN THE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED. I WILL NOT FAIL TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS HITCH-FREE AND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY ATOM OF FEAR AS ALL REQUIRED ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN MADE FOR THE TRANSFER.

YOU SHOULD CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER. TRUSTING TO HEAR FROM YOU IMMEDIATELY.

YOURS FAITHFULLY

MRS ROSEG ZONGO

Now of course I’m not dumb enough to fall for this (well not again anyway) but I’ve always wondered what would happen if one were to respond to this kind of email.  And so…

DEAR MRS. ROSEG ZONGO,

I HAVE TO SAY THAT YOUR OFFER IS INTRIGUING.  I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE LAW WITH REGARD TO BANKING IN YOUR COUNTRY, BUT IF IT IS AS YOU SAY, THEN THIS MIGHT BE SOMETHING I AM INTERESTED IN.

AS I DO HAVE A FEW ATOMS OF FEAR ABOUT THIS, I WONDER IF MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME BACKGROUND INFO SO THAT I CAN AT LEAST VERIFY SOME OF YOUR CLAIMS.  FOR INSTANCE, WHICH FLIGHT WAS IT THAT CRASHED CAUSING THE DEATH OF YOUR FOREIGN CUSTOMER AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY?  IF YOU COULD GIVE ME AN AIRLINE AND FLIGHT NUMBER THAT WOULD BE APPRECIATED.  ALSO, IN WHAT COUNTRY IS THE BANK WHICH YOU WORK FOR?  IS IT AFRICA?

I AM SORRY TO SAY I AM NOT FULLY COMFORTABLE WITH THE PERCENTAGES INDICATED FOR DIVIDING THE SUM OF MONEY.  IN ORDER FOR ME TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS I NEED TO KNOW THAT I WILL BE RECEIVING AT LEAST 63.7259 PERCENT.  I HAVE CAREFULLY CALCULATED THIS AMOUNT BASED ON THE RISK I AM ASSUMING BY HELPING YOU TO OBTAIN THIS UNCLAIMED MONEY.

PLEASE RESPOND WITH YOUR ANSWERS AND AN ACCEPTANCE OF THE TERMS I HAVE PROVIDED.  THANK YOU.

YOURS SINCERELY,

THE BRO

So what do you guys think?  Will I get a response back?  Anyone care to guess as to what it will say if I do?

Mailbag Monday (Night)!

Dear The Bro,

I know you enjoy a good dose of reality tv.  Your thoughts on the new VH1’s I Love Money?

-Jessica

Jessica, I don’t know what makes you think I enjoy reality television.  I mean, I barely watch any reality shows at all.  Here, I’ll prove it.  Here’s the very short list of reality shows I watch:

Survivor, The Amazing Race, From G’s to Gents, Rock of Love, COPS, Changing Rooms, Trading Spaces, Flipping Out, What Not To Wear, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, The Biggest Loser, Nanny 911, SuperNanny, Hogan Knows Best, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, My Fair Brady, The Baby Borrowers, Cheaters, Paradise Hotel, Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, Last Restaurant Standing, Cash Cab, Don’t Forget the Lyrics, and this doesn’t even count the shows that I’ve watched that no longer air.  (Of which there are a couple of more.  Three tops.  I swear!)

As you may have noticed, I Love Money is not on the list.  But fear not true believers.  VH1 will no doubt show a marathon of this at some point during a weekend and I will no doubt be watching said marathon.  I’ll be happy to review it at that point.

That is unless The Real Housewives of Monticello comes on the air.  That one will have to take precedence.

Is there something you want The Bro to discuss?  Email him here!

The Bro's Pick of the Week

Hot on the heels of the announcement that it has been nominated for an Emmy, the South Park “Imagination Land” episode is being re-aired in it’s entirety tonight on Comedy Central.  Originally a 3 parter aired over 3 weeks, tonight they will be showing all 3 episodes consecutively as a “movie event”.

My friends, if you have not been watching South Park as of late, you really have been missing out on some of the funniest social commentary we have today.  This is a show that has transformed itself from the shock value of watching kids curse on TV, to something that much more important.  The producers and writers of South Park are better than anyone at holding a mirror up to society and the things we hold dear.  They are able to use 30 minutes of animated comedy to make honest and often biting statements about all of us.  And they do it brilliantly.

Imagination Land is the perfect example of this.  Even if you’re not a regular watcher of the South Park kids, you should tune in for tonight’s event.  But just in case you can’t wait…

Watch “South Park Imagination land” Movie

In honor of this, I’m also listing my top 5 South Park episodes of the past 3 seasons.  (Other than Imagination Land of course.)

Guitar Queer-O -  A great parody of every rock star movie story you’ve ever seen.  Part The Doors, part Eddie and the Cruisers, hell it’s even part The Jazz Singer.  (The Neil Diamond version anyway, which we all know is the BETTER version, right?  Right??)

Tonsil Trouble -  You’re going to love this episode.  I don’t just think it, I am HIV Positive.  (Yep, that’s the kind of brilliance you’ll find here, along with hysterical cameos by Jimmy Buffet and Magic Johnson, who apparently has the cure for AIDS.)

Cartman Sucks -  Butters has to go to a special camp to “pray the gay away”.  This is one of those episodes where “shockingly funny” comes into play.  Besides, Butters-centric episodes are always tops on my list.

Go God Go -  A two-parter that turns Cartman’s fascination with the Nintendo Wii (something I’m very close to) into a space-aged odyssey which heavily references Buck Rogers among others.  Besides, it has talking otters.  What’s not to love?

Make Love, Not Warcraft -  You know those people who basically live their lives not just online, but online in virtual reality gams such as World of Warcraft, Everquest, Second Life, and the like?  Then you have to watch this.  (Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that I know so many of these games?)

So what do you guys think?  South Park fans?  Which episodes do you think rank higher than this?  Anyone care to offer up their top episodes of all time?

The Bro Gets Hired! Twice!

No not by this guy.  (Sorry for the “B” clips folks, this blog don’t exactly pay enough to get you the “A” listers.)  But I have been hired by one of the world’s leading media and entertainment companies in the development, production, and marketing of entertainment, news, and information to a global audience.  That’s right!  The big time!  None other than GOLD..  COUNTRY..  MEDIA!!!  GCM owns a cluster of publications that are distributed to Sacramento and it’s neighboring communities.  I have just been hired on as their new Online Sales Manager for the entire cluster.  What does that mean?  It means that I will be in charge of developing, growing, and creating selling opportunities for all of GCM’s online sites.  And with GCM being a part of the larger Brehm Communications, my plan is to grow this position to where I am in charge of all of the online communities for the entire corporation.  Shouldn’t take more than a week or two, right?

Oh and I also was just sent a couple of contracts to work for some smaller company known as NBC Universal.  No big deal.  Has anyone even ever heard of these guys?

Moving on, this is a good time to talk about—

Okay okay, back to the NBC gig.  Actually, I’m going to be freelance writing for one of their online magazines, iVillage.com.  Now it’s true, iVillage is a website geared towards women.  Ironical ain’t it that a guy who calls himself The Bro would end up writing for a women’s site?  Well you see that was the beauty of my plan.  I pitched my services as giving them “the guy’s point of view”.  And they bought it.  Literally.

Suffice to say that with all of the interviewing, pitching, offer letters, contract signing, telephone calls, etc. I have had very little time to devote to the blog.  Oh, and there’s this little thing called “having a six month old” that has also eaten up some time.  Having said that, I do have plans for the site, and they mostly include posting on a daily basis (hopefully more than that).  The 9 of you that actually come here on a regular basis should be happy about that.

You can all look forward to me continuing to post my thoughts, ideas, funny quips, mailbags, year-old movie reviews, pick’s of the week, and just about anything I deem worthy of posting.

Oh yeah, and I’ll probably link to anything I end up publishing on other sites as well.  Starting with my iVillage stuff.  My hope is to add a few other online gigs as well.  (You hear that comedy.com?  hint hint!!)

(That’s right, I’m not above shamelessly promoting myself…)

Mailbag Monday errrr Tuesday!

Dear The Bro,

Which NFL players on new teams do you see having major fantasy impact for the upcoming season? 

- Ryan

Wow, it only took about a month, but finally we get a question from a guy, for guys, to be appreciated for the most part by guys.  Having said that, I still say for all you ladies out there, read on.  It never hurts to know what the opposite sex is up to.

Well that was pretty sexist of me.  Who’s to say the women out there can’t be interested for the sake of wanting to know how to win their Fantasy Football Leagues?  I suppose I am.  That’s right ladies, I am throwing down the gauntlet.  How many of you would be interested in joining The Bro’s Code Fantasy Football League?  Myself vs. all of you.  I say I win.  Any of you up to the challenge?

In the meantime, even knowing that you can use this info against me, I will give my analysis of what NFL players on new teams (excluding rookies) will have the most fantasy impact.  Before I do though, is it me or was there really very little in the way of big free agent signings and such in this off-season?  I mean the guys I do list here are not exactly marquee names.  But the top 3 I believe that will make a difference are:

Michael Turner - Atlanta RB.  With Warrick Dunn out of the picture and Matt Ryan taking the helm at QB, Turner has the chance to be special.  It will probably be tough going at first, as most teams will stack up against Turner to see what the rookie Ryan can do.  Keep in mind though, when Turner would come into games for San Diego, the game was typically decided to the point where the defense knew SD was going to be running the ball, and he still would rip off huge runs. 

Jeremy Shockey - New Orleans TE.  Shockey gets to re-team with Sean Payton and his high powered offensive ways.  I think Shockey gets a bit of a bad rap in the sense that many feel he is overrated.  But take a look at the guys numbers since he came into the league.  He’s easily put up top 5 numbers over that span.  And with Marques Colston at WR and Reggie Bush being a focus for the defense, especially on 3rd downs, look for Shockey to take advantage of some huge openings in the secondary at times.  That and sending a message to the NY Giants for trading him adds up to a big year for Shockey.

Dante Stallworth - Cleveland WR.  With the way Cleveland scored last season (and they had to based on the defense they put on the field), you can expect some pretty good numbers from Stallworth.  They are going to be airing it out quite a bit, and I think most of the league is going to be focusing on Braylon Edwards, who exploded last year.  He won’t put up #1 receiver numbers, but he’ll be worthy of a start most weeks.

Some of the also rans:

Kevin Jones - Chicago RB.  With Benson out of the picture could make a splash.

Pacman Jones - Dallas CB.  If you get Special Teams thrown in with Defense, the Cowboys D becomes that much more valuable.

Bernard Berrian - Minnesota WR.  A legitimate deep threat for QB Tavaris Jackson.  Also with Frerotte waiting in the wings, could be a second half pickup.

Julius Jones / TJ Duckett - Seattle RB’s.  Jones will probably take over for Shaun Alexander, but if he was any good he would have held off Marion Barber don’t you think?  Duckett is nothing more than a short yardage and goal-line back.

Warrick Dunn - Tampa Bay RB.  Solid back, but tough to expect much from at this stage in his career.

Alge Crumpler - Tennessee TE.  Another big target for QB Vince Young.  However this is an offense that has struggled with the aerial attack so don’t expect much.

Mike Martz - San Fran OC.  With Martz taking over the offensive reigns in San Fran, you can bump up most offensive guys a few notches.  The only problem is that they were all ranked so low to begin with, so even that doesn’t make them draft-worthy.  (Except for Frank Gore of course.)

Anyone else that I missed or that you guys can think of?  And how many of you of the female persuasion want to take part in the Fantasy Football challenge?

Is there something you want The Bro to discuss?  Email him here!