The Bro’s Code Guide to: Watching the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards
I decided last night to take in Spike’s first annual Guy’s award show. Here’s a minute by minute account of what happened…
6:57 pm – We are live from The Bro’s Code Headquarters. There is a palpable excitement in the air as I am sure this is the year the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards closes the gap with other highly touted awards shows such as The Peoples Choice Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and in it’s heyday the ACE Awards.
7:00 pm – Hey, Harold and Kumar are doing the opening bit for the show. I’m actually semi-impressed. That’s a cool little cameo for those guys and a good fit for what Spike is probably trying to come across as with this show. The bit’s not funny, but I’d say Spike is on the right track.
7:01 pm – I don’t how, but somehow Spike was able to get David Lynch to do their opening credits for the show. It’s a trippy menagerie of (supposed) images guys want to see, including one of a woman eating a peeled banana. Honestly, I don’t think half of this crap would make the cut of the next American Pie straight to DVD film. (Side note: Has there ever been a movie franchise that just so obviously went from “hey we’re trying to make funny movies” to “hey we just want to whore the American Pie name for as much money as we can possibly make”? It’s just a matter of time before they come out with “American Pie presents: Girls Gone Wild”.)
7:02 pm – Wait a minute, Harold and Kumar are hosting this thing? I thought they were just cameo opening. (See how much research I put into this night?)
7:03 pm – Turns out according to my trusted researcher (a.k.a. my wife) that this is the 2nd Guy Choice awards show for Spike. That means they know what worked, what didn’t, and we can expect quality programming right? Right?? Please say I’m right!
7:04 pm – It’s a good thing for Harold and Kumar that they make stoner films. As it turns out they need all the help they can get. (And if you had “4 minutes in” in the “When does The Bro realize that this is going to be the longest 2 hours he has spent in recent memory” pool then you my friend are a winner.)
7:05 pm – Jack Black comes on stage to present the first award and immediately flubs a line. Isn’t this thing taped? Why don’t they just have him redo it? On a side note (As you can tell I love side notes) I’ve recently gotten over my fear of “what would we do as a society if anything ever happened to Jack Black?” Ladies and Gentleman I give you Tyler Labine (a.k.a. Sock from the TV show “Reaper”). Tell me these two weren’t spliced from the same DNA.
7:06 pm – First award of the night (Biggest Ass Kicker) goes to Matt Damon for the role of Jason Bourne. He had to beat out Iron Man to do it. Big win for Damon. You can see the genuine disbelief on his face. But wait! Ben Affleck runs up and grabs the award from his hand and bolts from the stage screaming “it should have been me!” Noooo!! (Okay I just made that up.) This show is already boring. Damon makes a Celtics reference, which if nothing else just stamps this show as pre-recorded. Nice work Bourne.
7:08 pm – Anne Hathaway is on stage to present an award. I wonder aloud “Why?” Researcher informs me that it’s probably because she goes topless in Brokeback. She did? I didn’t know the chick from “The Princess Diaries” had it in her. But then it’s not surprising she agreed to do it considering who the majority of the audience was for that movie. Memo to self: after wife goes to sleep move Brokeback up the Netflix queue.
7:09 pm – Hathaway announces Steve Carell as winner of the Funniest Motherfucker Award. I can go along with that. What I can’t go along with is the fact that the ensuing montage of Carell clips includes about 50% “Evan Almighty” clips. Probably his least funny movie. What, they couldn’t get the clip of him buying porn at the gas station and then having his ex walk in which leads him to another suicide attempt in “Little Miss Sunshine”? All I can say is that my conspiracy theory red flags are going off here. I think somehow Spike and this awards show is in league with Evan Almighty and they’re trying to boost DVD sales. Although, I can’t prove it. Yet.
7:12 pm – Tommy Lee jumps on stage with another member of Motley Crue. Are we sure this whole “having every band that ever had some notoriety get together for a reunion tour” is a good idea? In the meantime, should they ever put out a movie about the Crue (and you know they will), Tommy Lee definitely could be played by Ashton Kutcher. And by the time they do make that movie I’d say Ashton will be at the point of his career where he’s ready to accept that offer.
7:19 pm - Samuel L. Jackson is basically our generation’s Jack Nicholson right? Just show up and look cool. That’s all he needs to do.
7:20 pm – Jack errr Samuel gives out the “Best Fantasy Leaguer award”. I love fantasy sports and even I think this is stupid. On a positive note, I just realized that they’re calling the golden stag trophy they’re handing out to everyone “Mantlers”. Oh Spike TV. You’ve done it again. Bravo.
7:22 pm – Harrison Ford flashed in the audience and he is sitting at a table alone, not another soul even near him. Why is he here? My only thought is that he must be winning something and he couldn’t convince anyone that coming with him to the show was a good idea.
Ford: No really, Callista, it’s going to be a lot of fun. Harold and Kumar are hosting!
Flockhart: (long silence, then) No.
7:24 pm - Eva Mendes wins the “Hottest Eva” award. I think at this point I can stop updating actual awards, being that they clearly don’t give out any.
7:31 pm – Hugh Hefner is given some kind of Lifetime Achievement Award. I can only wonder who would get this next year. Apparently Clay Aiken was a very close second. Anyway, they’re now showing a thoroughly unfunny tribute video which basically steals a Conan O’Brien bit that’s about 8 years old. Spike TV = comedy gold!
7:32 pm – Now Jeremy Piven is coming up to say more about Hef. I can’t figure out who is least excited by the other. (Probably Hef.)
7:32 pm - Quick question: Can someone tell me who the female equivalent of Hugh Hefner is? Is there such a thing? Is Oprah the anti-Hefner?
7:34 pm – Ari Gold is still giving his Hefner speech. We’re barely 34 minutes in and already I’m wondering what else is on right now.
7:36 pm – I’m starting to miss Harold and Kumar. Apparently they’re backstage. Can’t imagine what they’re doing.
7:38 pm – Let me be the first to admit that music is my worst area of knowledge. Having said that, I have to believe that Katy Perry (I have no idea who she is but apparently she’s famous enough to be the first musical act at this show) wouldn’t even make it to Hollywood if she were auditioning for American Idol. Simon would blast her ass out of there in a heartbeat. I don’t even think the Hoff would give her the okay on America’s Got Talent. Oh but she wrote a song about kissing girls so I guess that gives her a pass.
7:45 pm – Diablo Cody is presenting the next award. Cody is introduced as a “former exotic dancer”. If she hadn’t been an exotic dancer and was just an Academy Award winning screenwriter, would she be here? I think no. But then that’s what the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards are all about baby!
7:46 pm – Megan fox wins the “Next Big Thing” award. The crude guy in me wants to rename it the “Next Two Big Things” award in her honor. (Can’t wait for my researcher to read this joke.)
7:47 pm – Bill Burr (who in the world is Bill Burr you ask? Answer: Not a clue.) comes up to do standup. Within the first 15 seconds of his routine he has two legitimate “crickets” moments. Nothing like dead silence to let the world know just how irrelevant your humor is. (Side note: I just went to his website and still don’t have a clue who this guy is or why he was given time on stage. Can anybody tell me who he is?)
7:48 pm – They keep showing Tommy Lee in the audience. My guess is it’s probably because he is the only guy even smiling at the comedy genius that is Bill Burr. Memo to Ashton: don’t do drugs (not the hard ones anyway).
7:50 pm – Some foreign guy wins an Ultimate Fighter (or something like that) Award and proceeds to speak French (my researcher now informs me it’s Spanish) for his entire acceptance speech. No doubt Spike network execs who have yet to seen copies of this soon to be classic Awards show are currently putting guns to their head for keeping this segment in the show as ratings no doubt plummet by the second.
7:51 pm - Oh great, Natalie Martinez just translated and it turns out the guy dedicated the award to his mother who just died two weeks ago. Can you book tickets to hell on priceline?
7:56 pm – Thanks to Frenchy’s dead mother I’m actually gun-shy on jokes at this point. But then this whole award show has been gun-shy on jokes. Get it? (Excuse me while I dust off my resume to send to Spike)
7:58 pm – As predicted, Harrison Ford is winning something and we are presented with a montage of his best work. What? No “Regarding Henry” scenes? Get that man some Ritz crackers!
7:59 pm – It turns out Ford has won the “Brass Balls Award”. Am I the only one who thinks he is home and in bed within 15 minutes of leaving this stage?
8:01 pm – Ford’s speech is re-enforcing my decision not to see Indy 4 and to mentally block all memories of it including any previews, commercials, clips, footage, or anything of the like that I may have seen. As far as I’m concerned there’s no such movie. You can’t convince me otherwise.
8:03 pm – Hey its Harold and Kumar! Remember them? The hosts? They’ve only been off camera for an hour now.
8:04 pm – McLovin from Superbad fame is on stage. Will this guy ever not be known as McLovin?
Resarcher: when is his voice going to change?
We look it up and find that he’s 19. So apparently there is still hope. I happen to think that Superbad is better than it’s predecessor Knocked Up, though I didn’t at first. I recently re-watched Knocked Up and found myself turning to the Superbad side of things. Then again, I may watch Superbad again and switch back. I know these are the things that interest you all, so I’ll let you know what happens.
8:13 pm – Ballsiest Band Award is up for grabs between Foo Fighters and Linkin Park. Unbelievable! Linkin park wins! What an upset! (Yes that’s sarcasm.)
8:15 pm – Turns out that Iron Eagle is playing on another station right now. Chappy!
8:17 pm – Iron Man wins for “Guy Movie of the Year”. This immediately brings about confusion as we already have been told that Jason Bourne kicks more ass than Iron Man. Logic… centers… malfunctioning… (Seriously this show is hurting my brain.)
8:26 pm – Cameron Diaz accepts the “10 Years of Hotness Award”. I’d estimate that 90 percent of the clips in her montage are straight from the Charlie’s Angels films. Actually that’s probably the smartest thing the producers of this show have done all night.
8:27 pm – I officially don’t want to do this anymore. But I will, for my fan.
8:28 pm – Harrison ford why are you still there?
8:33 pm – Eva Mendes returns to present an award. As it turns out that not only can she not act, but she can’t read either.
8:36 pm – They’re doing a mustache montage. I’m not making this up. Why was this not a one hour show?
8:37 pm – Please somebody make it stop.
8:39 pm – Disturbed (who?) comes onstage to play their latest ditty, a somber personal reflection on days gone by. Or at least that’s what I imagine it to be. It’s tough to make out the words, what with all the noise and all.
8:40 pm– My researcher just called it a night. Well done Disturbed.
8:42 pm – Disturbed finally finishes. No way in Spielberg did Harrison Ford stay through THAT.
8:53 pm – Adam Sandler is given an honorary award by the U.S. Armed Services. That explains why he’s at this thing. So what is Rob Schneider’s excuse? I mean is he just trying to look like Sandler’s hang-on?
8:56 pm – All I can say with regard to Sandler’s speech: Billy Madison is a very funny movie.
8:58 pm – It’s over, or about to be anyway. I feel like I need to say something to wrap this all up, but really all I want to do is…
8:59 pm – Credits are rolling and I see that Ken Ober (fomerly of MTV’s Remote Control) was one of the writers on this thing. That about sums it up don’t you think?
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